Sincerely, Saskia

I know we have more pressing issues to address in the world right now, but one thing we can consistently rely on to cause pain and suffering – whether you have one or not – is relationships.

I don’t need to go into details on the cesspit that is modern dating, considering the majority of us are swimming in the thick of it. Swimming might be too generous of a term, as right now it’s more reminiscent of wading our way through shit, still hoping to come out clean on the other side. Somehow.

Because of this, after my last break up, I was reluctant to dip my toe back in, and I made it known. Most people go to their friends for advice on the person they’re dating while for the last three months, I’ve been going to mine asking for the courage to re-download Hinge. They’ve all been very supportive, but I think they collectively sighed a sigh of relief when I shut up and finally did it.

Since I turned 31 15 days ago, and that transformativeness that comes with a new year lingered longer than I expected, I decided I may as well put it to good use and try to find my person. I fear that word has lost all meaning, but for the sake of this blog post, that’s how I’m choosing to refer to that elusive “one”.  

It didn’t take me long to realise why the hell I’d been avoiding doing this like the plague. It’s a combination of people not knowing how to put together a decent profile that actually makes you want to swipe right (writing “Hey” under every prompt you chose when it makes no sense is a massive turn off) and people not knowing how to hold a conversation that really makes you feel like you’re bashing your head against a brick wall.

But once I settled in, I got some of that good feeling back. That little spark you get when talking to someone new, hearing their voice for the first time or seeing them on FaceTime (don’t forget the mandatory vibe check) and the first time you meet them for a date. Now, having been out of practice for a few months, and my social skills having atrophied through lack of exercise with the opposite sex, I noticed a difference in my behaviour. Not only my actions, but in my mental stability.

Now, I like to think my friends and I are as forthcoming with each other as we can possibly be. We don’t sugarcoat things, we blind support in public and then chastise each other in private, we wouldn’t condone cheating, we don’t push and we always forgive. However, if you get back with that ex we all hate, you’re going to have to sit through a seminar of your history that led to the breakup first… you know, to make sure this is really what you want.

I say all this to say, if I was a shit girlfriend or shit dating prospect because my actions were making it so, I’m confident that my friends would have told me. So, the fact that’s never come up makes me think that one break up too many and the fact I’ve been living alone for the last four months – spending most of my time talking to myself and the shadows on the walls – and that my friends have been busy with their own lives, means this newfound element to my personality has gone completely unchecked. Apparently, only to manifest itself in the presence of a men I’m trying to build a connection with. Great.

I’ve realised after putting up with men who were not worth my time, being the rock in relationships – and the voice of reason – always being so understanding for your sake and not my own has naturally turned me bitter. Who didn’t see that coming?

My issue isn’t so much this bitterness, because it’s obviously not stopping me from trying to find what I’m looking for, but my sudden lack of tolerance for men being themselves when I’m trying to date men, well, that’s a problem.

Dating this time around has made me aware of a few things that have come to light, around said guy I am dating. And I probably shouldn’t share the extent of psyche with you, but here we are.

I expect them to share my fundamental views but if you don’t have your own opinions and agree with everything I say, I don’t want to talk to you.

I expect them to fall in love with me on the first date (because obviously) but if you ever told me that I would completely shut down and brand you disingenuous.

I expect you to know what you want but be tolerant of me changing my mind 50x in one hour.

If you killed the vibe, don’t sit there and get upset that you’ve killed the vibed like I killed the vibe because then I’m just going to sit there in silence and we will not move on.  

It might sound harsh, but this is quite lenient in comparison to how cutthroat I am during the talking phase: one dead response and you’re dead to me.

One weird reply or you make me repeat myself, you’re getting archived.

Make me lead the conversation when you’re the one who messaged me first, we aren’t even making it off the lot.

And God forbid you actually lead with game, because the moment you can no longer keep that up and we haven’t even met yet, I am gone.  

These are not hard and fast rules, but they are my reactions to things that have happened of late and I can’t seem to figure out whether this is standard 30+ single woman behaviour or whether I am the problem and the call is coming from inside the house?

Regardless of what side you land on, if this is the case, I say let the phone ring. Because, as much as we shouldn’t have expectations of people for obvious reasons, I don’t want less than someone who can go toe to toe with me and my nonsense. Women put up with a lot from male partners who aren’t even self-aware enough to know they’re absolutely failing at a partnership.

Men can be the absolute bottom of the barrel and still find someone to love them – a pot for every lid and all that – so why should I not hold out for the one who isn’t going to run away because I had a nine mood swings mid date and changed my mind a few times.

I know he’s out there somewhere, and until I find him, everyone I encounter in the meantime better just buckle up. You might get whiplash and not know what Saskia is showing up to the date but you’ll never be bored…