Sincerely, Saskia

When it comes to the action movie hall of fame, there are some absolute classics that come to mind. Die Hard, The Departed, Training Day, Man on Fire, Point Break… I could go on.

These films withstand the test of time and have elements to them that keep on giving and cross generations. The scene in Point Break where Keanu Reeves shoots the air instead of Patrick Swayze, Denzel Washington in Training Day and that iconic ‘King Kong speech’; ‘Yippee Ki Yay motherfucker’ will outlive us all, as will the debate on whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie – FYI it is.

These films were well-made, well-cast and well-suited to their purpose of providing a thrilling, much needed two-hour escape into the world of cinema. All of which is lacking from the modern-day offerings of a genre that used to produce quality viewing.

The latest action offering provided to us by industry tyrant – oops, I meant giant – Netflix, is the movie Carry-On, which came out on Friday 13. Perhaps I should have taken that as a sign of bad things to come.

Starring one of my many future husbands, the very talented Taron Egerton, and everyone’s favourite TV uncle Jason Bateman, the film was sold to us a ‘Phone Booth meets Die Hard’ epic that was going to deliver some much-needed thrills this holiday season. Taron Egerton running around on screen with a gun as Jason Bateman torments him in an earpiece as they race against time with everything on the line? Sign me up.

Since when did a movie achieving the bare minimum become enough?

I hate to be so negative but if the power had gone out during the opening scene and never came back on, I don’t think I’d be losing much sleep over not knowing what happened. Sadly, you could have predicted the film from a mile away. And I get it, it’s an action movie not a thriller or a whodunnit, but predictability is only allowed when the journey is worth it – which this one wasn’t.

The opening song felt all wrong, Bateman’s Inspector Gadget get up felt really gimmicky, it just didn’t set you up for the ride it advertised. I didn’t buy Bateman as the sinister villain he was trying to portray and the storyline was a bit naff with motives that have been done a million times. But hey, it’s Christmas, the time for charitable giving so I stuck it out, and the film did pick up a bit. It was well acted out and no one in the cast was annoying – which is rare – it moved at a pace that didn’t feel rushed (also rare with films these days), and we weren’t left confused or with a million unanswered questions.

However, since when did a movie achieving the bare minimum become enough? Actually, don’t answer that. I can’t remember the last time I saw an action film that gave me the same feeling as all the classics that made the genre what it is. Every time I get excited by a trailer, I have to instantly lower my expectations because the chances are it’s not going to be good.

If you want action that’s going to leave an impression, series are where it’s at.

The last time I was disappointed like this came from another Netflix offering and also starred another one of my future husbands, Aaron Pierre. The movie in question was Rebel Ridge and I was ready and seated for an outright war between the police of this small town and this one man bringing the whole system to the ground – and looking hot while doing it. The whole point of an action movie is for there to be action, and I think we waited a whole hour before he even put hands on anyone. Maybe it wasn’t a whole hour but it felt like a lifetime waiting for something to happen. And as beautiful as Aaron Pierre is, there is only so much time staring into his eyes can make up for the lack of anything happening on the screen.

I heard good things about Monkey Man, although I am yet to watch it with me being more than behind on my watchlist. Aside from that, however, the films that seem to have made the most noise this year are musicals, romances and dramas. Think Wicked, The Substance, It Ends With Us, The Challengers… Deadpool and Wolverine doesn’t count before you say anything, Marvel is a whole world of its own.

I did actually enjoy the remake of The Crow, but I am fully aware that I’m in the out-group when it comes to that one. Half of the world didn’t want a remake and the other half said it was shit. Sorry but, anywhere FKA Twigs and future husband Bill Skarsgård are, is where I’m going to be.

It seems if you want action that’s actually going to leave an impression, series are where it’s at. Cross, Mr and Mrs Smith, Supacell, which is annoying because who has a spare 10 hours to binge a show before someone online ruins it for them.

Until someone puts the action back into the genre and stops making me waste two hours of my Saturday night, I guess I’ll just rewatch The Departed for the millionth time, which is, in fact, fine by me.